Being sick for 2 years... and how it nearly destroyed me.

As mentioned in a previous post, I am transferring my blog posts from the last year (they were on a different site) so here is number 3 of 9! Enjoy!

This was originally posted on 20/06/2017.

Destroy'

verb

End the existence of (something) by damaging or attacking it.

1. 1.1 Ruin (someone) emotionally or spiritually.
2. 1.2 Defeat (someone) utterly.
3. 1.3 Kill (a sick, savage, or unwanted animal) by humane means.

May 2017 marked the two year anniversary of me getting Lyme disease. Two whole years. That's 730 crazy long Lyme disease fighting days... and I didn't even get a card! I joke, I joke. This isn't the kind of anniversary you feel like celebrating. 

I've always tried to be pretty open with my battle against Lyme disease as it was and still is a massively significant part of my life. I would probably go as far as to say that it was one of, if not the hardest thing I have had to deal with. Even now, when physical health wise I am doing the best I have since this all began, it effects my daily life and I think that it always will. 

For some reason, I always try to play my illness down. But you know what? It was hard. In fact it was really hard. It was long and scary and it sucked. You don't go through something as significant and traumatising as that and come through unscathed. And I was no exception. 

Before I jump into this story, let's just talk about the word 'destroy' real quick. I was very hesitant to use this word in my post. It's quite a harsh word. Destroy. It's not a word I use often and it's definitely not a word I would typically use to talk about myself and my battle with Lyme... and yet I did. I do. The word 'destroy' sounds violent and extreme. It sounds dramatic. In fact that is one of the main reason I was so hesitant to use that word. I don't want to come across as some dramatic blogger begging for sympathy, because that really not my intention. But my battle with Lyme disease over the last two years has been detrimental in every sense. Not only did my physical body suffer a lot, but mentally it has drained me. I spent 2 years in a cloud of worry, fear and isolation. Not only in the physical sense (I spent an unhealthy amount of time in bed ... not by choice) but also mentally. I have the most amazing family and a good few solid friendships too, but I had never felt so alone in my life, and nothing could have changed that. Nothing that anybody could have said or done would have changed that. And as if that wasn't enough, my social life suffered. All my relationships with people suffered. Every single aspect of my life suffered in one way or another. Directly or indirectly. It suffered. I suffered. So I don't use the word 'destroy' easily. And I don't use it for sympathy. I use it because in a case like this, I think that maybe it can be justified. 

And now onto the meaty part of this post ...

I've been thinking about the topic of this post a lot over the last few days. I like to think that I am a very 'self-aware' kind of person. I often look at my actions and thoughts and feelings. I am always trying to work on myself and be a better person. I think it's in my personality. So, being the self-aware being that I am, I began to notice something about myself. Something which to you may seem like an unbelievably obvious thing but to me was hidden under some scary camouflage blanket in a dark corner of my room covered in cobwebs. So it was not so obvious to me. And here is what I discovered. 

I am not the same person I was before all of this illness shenanigans. 

(Meaning I am not the same person I was 2 years ago... Shocker.)

I told you it would seem obvious. See this is kind of how it went down.  I got sick May 2015. I thought it was the flu and I thought it would end in a couple of days, a week tops. But it did not. I thought 'wow I have got a real bad strain of flu! Give it a couple of weeks, it will be out of my system by then'. But it was not. I thought 'Oh the doctors will sort this out. In a week or two I will be back on my feet". But I was not. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I spent the entirety of my illness sitting and waiting for the storm to pass. I sat there hugging my knees as the wind whistled by and the thunder roared and the rain came hammering down. I sat there waiting for the storm to pass. I sat there hugging my knees, paralysed by this storm that only seemed to fall on me. Everyone around me got up and got on with their life. They made progress and had success and failure and kept moving forward anyway because that is how life works. All the while I hadn't moved an inch, because I couldn't. The storm hadn't passed. I sat there paralysed as I watched everyone around me get up and move on. Not move away, because they were always there supporting me as best they could, but moving on. As they should have by the way. I am not naive enough to think the entire would should come to a halt when my life appears to. I am only saying this to give you an insight as to how it felt. 

So I sat there and waited out the storm. I held tight and I waited it out. (Editing note: Scratch that. I fought it out. I fought real hard to get to where I am health wise and I should give my self credit for that. Ok. Proceed previous Holly...). Yet in my head, I thought when the storm had passed, I would just get up and everything would be the exact same. I thought I would feel the same. I thought everything around me would look the same. I thought I would be the same. I think subconsciously I thought that because I had put pause on my life, that life would just pause. Which it obviously didn't because life is real inconsiderate like that.... I'm joking. Kind of. Anyway, fast forward two years and the storm has almost passed. It's not quite gone. There is a still a drizzle and it's pretty gusty. but I can stand and I can see and I don't feel paralysed by the storm anymore. Let it be noted at this point that this was a very slow process of the storm passing and it didn't happen all at once because that is not how life works. But yes, I got up and I looked around. I thought I would see things exactly as I had left them and I thought I would see myself exactly as I was before. Yet that did not happen. I looked down to see a body full of bruises and battle scars. I looked weak. I looked around to see that I was not where I was before. I was in a completely unknown location, with no idea of how I go there, in a body that felt weak. I felt as if I had been abducted by aliens and then dropped back down to some crazy unknown planet. Pretty terrifying stuff.

I know I just threw out some pretty crazy metaphors, but I don't really know how else to explain it. So if you managed to understand anything that I just said, then congrats to you! 

So yes, I survived the storm. Now it goes without saying that my body is a bit of a mess. It just spent 2 years fighting every single day and quite frankly its exhausted. It will take a while before it's back to full health because it needs time to rest and repair and slowly build things back to the way they were before. But I kind of expected that. I mean, I was kind of hoping that one day I'd wake up full of energy and feeling great, but I know that health doesn't work like that. I fully expected my physical body to be feeling a little worn out after being unwell for so long. However, that wasn't what nearly destroyed me. I mean it sucked and it almost ruined my life, but I wouldn't use the word 'destroy'. No, what almost destroyed me was how I completely lost my 18th year of life. I spent my entire year of being 18 (as well as half my 17th year and half my 19th year) waiting out the storm. So when I finally came around, I was older but I had had none of those life experiences that make you feel older. I had missed the train. What almost destroyed me was how lost and alone I felt both during and after the storm. It wasn't the physical illness that almost destroyed me, but it was everything else.

"It wasn't the physical illness that almost destroyed me, but it was everything else"

Did you notice how I used the word 'almost'?

'almost'

Adverb

Not quite; very nearly.

Lyme disease has been a real pain in the butt. It flipped my world upside, shook it around a little (or a lot) and lobbed it into a brick wall. It did some real damage. Every single aspect of my life has suffered and it very nearly destroyed me. But it didn't. I got up, put one foot in front of the other and kept going forwards. It often feels like I'm walking in quick sand or some kind of thick mud, but I keep moving anyway. Its not easy and its not over, but it will be someday. Im almost cringing writing this because it just sounds so dramatic. But who knows maybe somebody needs to hear this. Maybe somebody needs to be told to stand up, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Small steps are bigger than no steps. Then one day you will realise that the quick sand became grass and you'll look back and notice that the storm is so far behind you that you can't even see it anymore. Just stand up, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You can scream and cry and take a minute to rest if you need it. But then you get right back up and you keep moving forward. You don't look around to see where everyone else is. You focus on yourself and you keep. moving. forward.

... and breathe.  

That was pretty deep. I feel like I've just revealed part of my soul, haha! Sometimes I feel like writing about pizza and sometimes I feel like writing about my deepest darkest feelings and I guess today it was the latter. I hope this didn't sound too crazy and that my jumble of words and feeling came out as coherent sentences. I felt it was time for a way too personal and vulnerable post, it had been a while.

If anybody wants to share some equally scary and vulnerable stuff in the comments, I would highly encourage that. I always love having a natter in the comments. 

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change" - Brene Brown 

And on that note it is time for me to love you and leave you. I have waffled on for too long and in all honesty, I'm not entirely sure what I have just written. Anyway, I hope you are having a wonderful day and I will speak to you very soon! 

Holly Xx

P.s- You should totally subscribe to my emailing list if you want to be notified when I upload a new blog post!

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Serris, Paris.

As mentioned in a previous post, I am transferring my blog posts from the last year (they were on a different site) so here is number 2 of 9! Enjoy!
This was originally posted on 12/04/2017.

On the 20th March 2017 I had the pleasure of going to Paris on the Eurostar. I have always wanted to travel and finally after 18 months of being chronically ill, I was able to. My friend Hannah and I planned started planning the trip about 6 weeks before we left so it was fairly last minute and we had the whole trip planned and booked within days. We didn't intend for the trip to be so soon (although we were obviously very happy about not having to wait too long to go) but there was an offer on Disneyland tickets that ended at the end of March so we figured, why not!

The trip was 10 days long. We spent three days at Disneyland and then a week in central Paris. However, it goes without saying that Disneyland is expensive. We got the tickets at a decent price because of the offer. However, there was no way we could afford to actually stay at Disneyland so we decided to rent an Air B&B (Use my code- www.airbnb.co.uk/c/hollys7175) in Serris, the area just outside Disney. The Air B&B we chose was kind of between two metro stations (the only form of transport we used) so our host came and met us to walk us to the apartment. This was super helpful, especially considering this is the first real alone trip we had both done so it was all a bit overwhelming at times. Anyway, our host was THE nicest host you could have asked for (Shoutout to Calvin!) and met us at the metro, walked us to the apartment telling us about the local area as we walked and really went out of his way to accommodate us. He was the best.

Okay, there was one floor to Calvin... he walked SO FAST. I used to be a relatively fast walker but since being sick I have got really out of shape, meaning I no longer walk fast. Especially while lugging a suitcase with a broken wheel and a marry Poppins handbag. Hannah also happens to be a super speedy walker so trying to keep up with them both was a workout. I was sweating... a lot. It even got to the point where I just gave up chasing after them and took my time strolling through the shopping centre we had to walk through, window shopping all of the shops. Occasionally when they had realised I was wayyyy behind, you would just see a little Calvin pop around the corner waving at me. It was quite hilarious. 

So that's my little story for this post!  Now the area we stayed in, Serris, was absolutely beautiful. All of the buildings were stunning and there was this gorgeous lake you could watch the sunset over as we walked home from Disney. Everything about the area was just gorgeous so I thought I would share some of my favourite pics we took from the area. Enjoy!

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So there we have some of my fav pics from Serris and a funny little story too! I have a ton more Paris Pics to share and a load more funny stories so stay tuned if you want to see those. I also filmed a lot of the trip so check out my Youtube channel for the vlogs.

Thank you so much for reading,

Have a lovely day and I will speak to you very soon,

Holly X

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50 Facts About Me.

As mentioned in my previous post, I am transferring my blog posts from the last year (they were on a different site) so here is the first of 9! Enjoy!

This was originally posted on 12/04/2017.

My blog has always been a rather personal space, but it is about to get even more personal. I truly believe that vulnerability is the way to create true deep connection with others. And true deep connection is something we need more of in this world. Vulnerability is strength. 

So to start off this new personal side to my blog, I thought I should with 50 facts about me. I found these questions on Christina Cimorelli's blog so shout out to her! I really liked these questions as they seem more vulnerable and real than the standard questions. So here we go..!

1. What's one thing that's happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

Having Lyme disease has probably been the hardest thing I have had to face, but it has definitely made me a stronger person. I actually made a video talking about about this on my Youtube channel so you can check that out if you like.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

Can I give the same answer twice? Honestly, there have been a ton of moments in my life that made me feel weak (I'm a super sensitive person and can be really hard on myself), but having Lyme disease has definitely made me feel the most helpless and out of control which made me feel weak.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself? 

This is a difficult one because being in my room is a really safe place where I feel safe and can just be myself, but also being in nature makes me feel really in touch with myself and my thoughts. I think it's a balance between the two.

4. Where is your favourite place to escape to? 
Basically anywhere outside. I love the beach (not that I go very often because I don't live near) and just being surrounded by nature. Anywhere with flowers and trees and in a perfect world, Sun (but I do live in England so that is usually replaced with cloud).

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
I really can't think of anybody specific. All my family have influenced me in one way or another and I also have a couple really great friends that have influenced me a lot (even though I don't think they know it).

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? 

Probably how ridiculously emotionally unstable I am. I literally cry at everything and it drives me insane. Either that or how unassertive I am. 

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

I really don't know. I think I would just go and do a ton of fun things with my family and eat great food. And probably pray a lot.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

Maybe the 50s/60s. I love all the pretty dresses and how different relationships were then (as opposed to how digital they are now), but there are also a TON of things I prefer now especially with rights and everything.

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

I think generally my entire family is close, but I feel very lucky for the relationship between my siblings and myself. My little sister Asha and I have always had a particularly unique relationship (basically best friends) and my older sister Lauren and I are basically telepathic. I also have another sister (and some hilarious stories from when we were younger -the playmobil days) and 2 hilarious brothers who make me laugh all the time. Honestly, I think it varies though. I love them all ok.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

Honestly, I think very few people really truly know me because I am quite a reserved and private person. But I am trying to be more open, even though it feels so unnatural.

11. What is your favourite quality about your best friend?

So I don't really have a single best friend, but my number one quality I look for in a friend is someone who always has your back, doesn't go gossiping behind your back and who isn't all wrapped up in being too 'cool' and takes life too seriously.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

It varied between an actress, singer, dancer, doctor and teacher. Then through the majority of my teenage years, I was pretty clueless.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be? 

Ah, I can't pick just one! When it comes to books I think I identify with a lot of characters because you kind of end up pulling all of the similar characteristics from that character, or maybe that's just me. There isn't a particular show or movie character that springs to mind, but I LOVE Tris from Divergent (but I think that is just because she is badass and I want to be her) and the main girl in Brooklyn. I think I relate to her a bit because I desperately want to go and live in America but I don't want to leave all my family and friends behind, so that kind of tugs on my heart a little.

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

It depends entirely on my mood. I try to just accept them though.

15. Is your favourite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

I've been told I am a really nice and caring person, so if that is true, then that is my favourite attribute. 

16. What is your favourite physical attribute about yourself?

Wow, this question was way harder than I thought it would be! Umm, maybe the colour of my eyes... or the natural curls of my hair, but not the frizziness. 

17. What is your favourite non-physical attribute about yourself?

I like to think I am quite a bubbly person, so I will say that in hopes it is true!

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nope. I believe in attraction at first sight and chemistry, but not love.

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes. I do, and I hope I am right. 

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

Not very seriously at all. I like to look at them every now and then and sometimes they seem pretty accurate, but they are usually very general statements so they can relate to most people.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

I have never been in love. 

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

Haha, I wouldn't know! I think just being entirely open and vulnerable with someone though, and having someone truly genuinely care about me.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

Vulnerability to me means to be completely open about your emotions and feelings, despite how scary it may be. I'm quite a closed private person, so I am still learning how to be vulnerable, but I think speaking to someone I feel emotionally and mentally safe around and just having courage. 

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

Oh I don't know, probably how his brain works, haha!

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

The thought of being a man, kind of creeps me out to be honest. I don't know, pee, walk around topless, enjoy being tall. 

26. What do you find most attractive in a potential partner?

KINDNESS. It's such a simple thing but it is honestly so rare to find real genuinely kind men, at least from my experience.

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

There is so much, I love learning new things! I desperately want to know more about space and neuroscience. I find both fascinating.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

Again, there are so many things I want to do! A really basic one is to learn to play the piano and read music (working on this now!).

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

I guess I haven't made it a priority. Plus it costs money. (I actually have now! Woo go me!).

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

Probably something in the film industry or something creative. Honestly, there are so many careers I would love to try out, I kind of wish I could be everything.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Go outside, take a bubble bath, watch a movie, spend time with friends and family, read a book... preferably not all at once though.

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

I cry all the time. In fact, I cried twice today. At a movie and at a song. I am an emotional wreck 94% of the time.

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My little brother. He is always making me laugh, even when he doesn't mean to.

34. What is your favourite memory?

Ok so there is no way I can pick just one, plus I have a terrible memory, especially when put on the spot. So I will just say sharing a hotel room with two of my sisters last summer (2016), that was super fun. 

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

I honestly have no idea. I feel like I am always making a fool of myself, but I don't really get embarrassed that easily. I can thank my dad for that, I have built up quite the tolerance for embarrassment!

36. What is your biggest fear?

Generally, probably failure and what people think of me. I think that is a pretty common fear, but I definitely let it control my life way more than I should. Then a more physical fear is infertility. The only thing I have ever been certain of is that one day I want babies. I wan't to adopt as well, but I would love to grow a human life.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one? 

I try not to regret anything, but there are a few things I would have done differently. Mostly things I have said or a way I have acted, because I always beat myself up over the past, but I guess you learn from them or whatever.

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

I feel like I must have at some point accidentally, but never intentionally, as far as I am aware. I can't really think of a law I would like to break either. I'm too good.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

See this is where my life starts to sound really dull because I can't think of a single crazy thing I have done. I generally don't like doing anything that makes me uncomfortable or unsafe so... there is still time!

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

Absolutely! I love having good conversations with strangers and finding out about their life story.

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

For sure. I always think that if I was in that situation, then I would want to know, so it's only fair I do the same.

42. What’s your favorite joke?

I am for sure the worst joke teller ever. I literally don't know any (other than a knock knock joke... Knock Knock... who's there?... Boo ... Boo who? ... Don't cry it's only me.... I told you it's bad) and I am not funny enough to create my own.

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Dog person. I have both cats and dogs, and love them all. But generally cats scratch me and dogs cuddle me so... 

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

Either a dog (because people would pet and cuddle me and feed me treats) or an elephant (because they are beautiful and smart and have big ears) or a dolphin (same reasons as the elephant minus the ears) or I don't know. I think to be any animal would be a pretty cool experience.

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

I mean there are quite a few shows, movies and books that I feel like I should be embarrassed to enjoy, but whatever, I like what I like.

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

Innocent, cute, geeky. 

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

Probably my primary school days. I want to see if I really was as innocent as I like to think I was.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

God? Does that count? And I believe in 'vibes' and 'energy' which probably makes me sound hippy to some people.

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

Maybe just my morals and general outlook on life. I feel like I have quite a rare and unique view on things that not many seem to share. 

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing? 

I don't know why this is so difficult to answer! It's missing something, I will let you know when I find out what that is. 

So there we have 50 facts about me! It feels kind of crazy to be sharing so much in one post, but here is to vulnerability!

I don't think was originally a 'tag' but I think I am going to make it one! I tag you! If you are reading this, answer the questions then comment the link so I can go and read it! I also tag my friend and fellow blogger 'Emma' .

Thanks for reading,

Holly X

Long time no see.

Hello my dear little blog! Oh how I have missed you. Turns out I haven't posted on here in oh just 17 months... no biggy. I started this little blog back in 2013 and well I have been neglecting it. Unfortunately I got a little consumed with life (it happens to the best of us) but oh boy am I glad to be back. I was a little hesitant to get back to blogging, but I know its the right thing to do (mainly because I am all tingly with excitement as well as a little scared - the recipe for success!). 

So where have a been? Well since February 2017 ALOT went down. I finished my treatment for Lyme disease (the cowden support protocol) and IT WORKED! It took months and months of hard word but we made it. I kicked some Lyme disease ass! I worked more on my photography business and learnt alot. There were lots of challenges (as there are with any new endevour) but I am all the wiser for it. With my new business, I also created a new website where I occasionally blogged (I am transfering these posts to this site soon so keep your eyes peeled!) but now I have decided to keep my blogging here in one place. With my health improving I was also able to do more and actually start living. I realised that I wanted to persue further education and so decided to take some additional A-levels. 

I had completed my original A-levels while suffering with Lyme and so it probably goes without saying that my results were not a reflection of my true abilities. I had passed but I wasn't satisfied. So, being the crazy person I am, I decided to complete 2 whole A-level in about 7/8 months... yep, I am mental. Anybody who took A-levels will know the stress and the amount of work needed. It was rough... but we did it. I took my exams this last June. During this time I also applied to University! I am a complete nerd and I love learning. I want to know more and further my education. It never felt right for me before between being so unwell it was impossible, not finding the right course and just bad timing, it was never on the cards. Yet finally it felt right. I found a course that seems to be tailor made for me, a university I am in love with and finally it just felt right (I am big on gut feelings). 

So I guess that brings us to know. Going to the uni of my dreams all depends on August 16th when I get my results. I need As to get in and while I know I worked so hard, exams are so unpredictable (and a completely barbaric way of testing... but that's another post). I felt like overall my exams went ok. They could have gone better but they went ok. Well, except for my last exam, which I am terrified about. One thing I am yet to mention is that I am currently not in the best health. I feel pretty certain it is not Lyme related (although that ever present fear does loom... again, that's another post) but we are still trying to get to the bottom of it so I will put off writing about it until then. Anyway, this health issue massively effected my ability to study since around Feb 2018. So about 2/3rds of my course were impacted by my health, as was my studying prior to exams. The majority of my exams were not too bad considering this. However, the days before and the day of my last exam, I was in bad shape. I was in pain, exhausted and felt like I was going to throw up constantly, and so almost inevitably, that the last exam was a mess. I just hope and pray and beg that I get the grades... I don't even want to consider the alternative. Any good vibes, thoughts, prayers e.t.c are welcomed... in fact they're encouraged.

I feel like I have so much more to say and to catch you up on, but I think I have waffled on for long enough in one post. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I will speak to you very soon!

Holly X