I have been pretty absent in the last few weeks and I think it is about time I return. It wasn't exactly a planned absence, but life happened and before I knew it I was without my precious blog and feeling rather unhappy about it. So with this realisation, I have hopped back onto my laptop and made a gracious return.
However, first I should explain. A few weeks ago, I started school again. I am currently undertaking 3 A levels and am in my final (and very stressful) year of sixth form. Despite only being a few weeks in, I am already extremely overwhelmed, extremely stressed and have had numerous breakdowns. Now A-levels aren't exactly known for their easy going nature, however, there are a few factors that I feel are making it extra difficult for me.
Firstly, I missed a lot of the summer work. In between the AS exams and summer break, my school lessons continued. However, I then got ill. Now I don't mean the 'off for a few days with a bug' kind of ill, nor do I mean the 'I have a nasty cold kind of ill'. It was more of an 'I am struggling to get out of bed for weeks and weeks' kind of ill. Now I don't want to go into this too much now, but I still am struggling with it on and off now, and we are yet to get a diagnosis. However, for anybody with an interest, I plan on writing a post about this, once it gets a diagnosis. This way I don't offend anybody with my paranoid assumptions e.c.t. Anyway, I am getting sidetracked... this illness meant I missed an awful lot of school. In result, meaning I missed an awful lot of lessons. Now, of course, I tried to get work as much as I could but 1- Getting sent work is never as good as being in the lesson and 2- When you feel ill, you can't really learn things very well... it just doesn't work. So when I returned to school, I was already behind. Now my teachers gave me some resources to help, but trying to learn that on top of the new work has been really quite difficult. On top of that, everybody else in the class is ahead and that certainly doesn't help because being the person that I am, I get very worked up over small things.
Secondly, I have suddenly changed my future plans. While everybody else is writing personal statements and applying for uni, I have been having a breakdown and completely changing my future plans. I don't mean just changing my choice of university. I mean changing the entire course and questioning everything I had previously planned. For years and years and years, I had vaguely planned to become a primary school teacher. The idea sounded nice and I had been told I would be good at it. I had no other ideas as to what career to go into so I just went with it. However, the other day after discussing it with a couple friends, I changed my mind. I then went home and researched and have come to the conclusion that I may want to do an entirely different course. Now this sounds really exciting to me, but I still have that worry that I have made this decision on a whim, Now this is probably me just being a worrier again, but there you have it.
This brings me onto my next point of having to up my grades.. .quite a bit. This sudden change in plans has in return made me realise that I can aim a lot higher than I originally thought I could. I want to get the best grades I can and challenge myself to just be a better person. Now this sounds a little cheesy I know, but it is true. So, I have been trying to work harder and study more. However, I get overwhelmed very easily. I get stressed very easily and I get anxious about certain things very quickly. Therefore, I need to take time out and relax and do things for myself. However, I feel so tired that I can't do anything that is actually good for myself (i.e- my blog) and end up doing things that are easily accessible (i.e- scrolling social media). In result, I don't get anything at all productive done and feel guilty for it. I then end up beating myself up about it and it all spirals.
Now there are still quite a few points I could talk about so maybe I will do a second post on this, but the last point for today is that I am still ill. I mentioned this earlier and like I said, I don't want to go into this now. However, this makes me feel very exhausted and isn't making my already pretty stressful situation any easier. I am currently trying to work on some techniques/ideas to help myself relax and de-stress so once I have got these sorted I will share them.
So that is all for today's post. I am feeling so very overwhelmed right now but am glad to be making my blog a priority again. Just writing this post has already helped me to breathe a little and constantly makes me happy.
Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.
Holly Xx
