Thursday, 9 May 2019

Ya girl's got commitment issues.

Hey. It's me again. Only 4 months after my last post... oops. Look, I think it's pretty evident by this point, ya girl's got commitment issues. I say I want to blog more. I say how much I love it. I say how important it is to me. Yet for some unknown reason, I just cannot commit to it! Unfortunately for me, this is actually a bit of a pattern in my life these days and let me be the first to say, I am not a fan. 

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? So here I am. Admitting it. I get so excited about things. I fall in love with hobbies and skills and tasks... and then I just don't finish them, or I don't give them my all and then call it quits. It's a real problem and I think I need to figure out why this keeps happening. We love a bit of introspection don't we ladies (and guys who I will likely to still refer to as ladies). 

Firstly, let's take a glance back at my childhood (don't worry we are not going full-on childhood trauma here haha). As a child, I was a bit of a club-hopper. I very distinctly remember joining Brownies (I think this is kind of the UK girl-scout equivalent) and loving it. After a little while, it was time to buy the Brownie uniform ready for my little swearing in ceremony thing where I became an official Brownie. I can literally picture my mum standing there is the shop saying to me 'If I buy you all of this uniform, you have to promise you will stick with it' to which I responded something along the lines of 'Yes, I promise I will'. Somewhere between a few weeks to a few months later, my promise was broken as I decided Brownies was not for me. Sorry mum!

This situation repeated itself in some way or another, many times over my childhood/teenage years. There were certain things I stuck with for longer such as dance (although I was part of three different studios), choir and ice skating, but generally, I would tire and move onto my next obsession. Now, I am not saying this is always a bad thing. Since starting uni, I have come to love my 'multipotentialite' (see this TED talk to understand this reference) ways and grown to see just how valuable having multiple interests is. I get really excited and passionate about the things I love and throw myself into them. The issues comes a little later, usually when things get a little more difficult or somewhat boring and I just ... quit! I am little more aware of it these days and have a little (and I mean little) more self-discipline to hold my self accountable, but it is still an issue.

Another contributing factor to my ~commitment issues~ is possibly my past health issues. I have been pretty open about my struggling health over the years and boy has it taken a toll on me in almost every way possible. With regards to this specific issue (let's ignore all my other issues, for now, haha) over these years where my poor health has ruled my life, I have kind of been forced to let go of the possibility of commitment. By this I mean, I have had to let things go and straight up just quit sometimes because I have physically not been able to continue them. Now I know this isn't the same situation but I think as a result, knowing the dangers of pushing my self and the disastrous after-effects of doing so, I prematurely end things in fear of it getting to that point again. I mean it kind of makes sense when you think about it. 

So, maybe it's my personality, a result of my thinking patterns or the consequence of psychological trauma. Either way, it's an issue. But hey, they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? 

Well I, my friends, have commitment issues. 



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